Love, Lust, and Validation

Have you ever looked at the motivations of your sexual encounters?  

“I love my boyfriend/girlfriend, his/her love fulfills me.” 

“I love being the woman that excites my boyfriend/girlfriend.”

“I am sexually fulfilled in the arms of my boyfriend/girlfriend.”

“The chemistry with my lover is electric; one kiss and I am aroused.”

“My lover understands me; we breathe the same air.”

Why We Pursue Romance

The reasons people pursue romance in the transgender world are as diverse as the people themselves. Are these feelings and experiences interconnected? Do they have to be? Are they healthy feelings? Certainly, the most common early-stage feelings & experiences for most of us were lust. Even straight couples feel chemistry early on, often from visual stimulus.

Where It Usually Starts: Lust

But a crossdresser can actually get excited by, well, him/herself. As one puts on their panties and bra, they feel a warmth move through them. With loving and sexually driven care, they glide their stockings up their leg and swoon at the feel of the nylons against their skin. The heart starts to pound, a little satin here, a little lace there, the foot gently arched into the spiked heels. As the makeup is applied and he becomes she, the rush of excitement is overwhelming and…oh my god, it is over. The consuming urge that controlled your mind, body, and spirit vanished as fast as it came, like a desert wind. Now the clean-up begins. Sound familiar? 

Many of you have all been there, and for some it is as far as they will ever go. Still others seek further gratification: looking like a woman, feeling like a woman, acting like a woman, and/or being like a woman. And yes, they can, but no, they don’t have to be interrelated. Like I always say, whatever blows your skirt up, whatever works for you is fine. You may be someone who can dress the part, act the part, and have sex with yourself, and be fulfilled by it. And that is fine if it is what you want.

The Need for Validation

Still, others seek out interaction with other people, and it can happen in many ways. Some of us simply need validation in the role of a woman; thus, we look for partners to act out those desires. This has nothing to do with emotion or passion. It is simply the need to validate the illusion that the lust stimulates. For those looking for a quick fix, a little action, some transgender girl admirers will be all too quick to accommodate you, since they, too, are simply role-playing. Just be careful. Your fantasy may be different than your partner’s. There are many whack-a-doos out there, so be safe. Don’t put your life in danger with a stranger. 

Be Careful Out There

Use safe sex for sure, and discretion with whom you go with and evaluate the circumstances of where you are. Are there people close by? An abandoned warehouse, for example, is not a good idea. Remember, there were many serial killers people recalled who seemed like really nice guys.

Everyone on the planet is motivated by gratification, whether it is feeling worthy for donating their time to a cause they believe in, or simply jerking off; we do it because it feels good. It fulfills the mind, body, or soul. I am not saying pure gratification is necessarily good or bad for you; that’s for you to decide.

The Relationship Zone

For true bisexual or bi-curious crossdressers, many seem to be drawn to the “relationship zone.” This is a place where you want someone to care about “you” in your femme mode. Your femme self is part of who you are and, in most cases, has never been nurtured by anyone beyond yourself. In addition to sex, or sometimes in place of it, there is a feeling of fulfillment in just being held, loved, pampered, and cared about. It’s purely emotional and spiritual, and if it is what you seek, it may take you beyond your wildest expectations.

But relationships can be tricky. Straight couples with much less baggage than we carry have trouble with it every day. Making a relationship work comes down to a few things: communication, honesty, chemistry, and quality time in bed. 

Is it the person you enjoy, or the validation you feel when someone treats you like a lady? No one says you have to know the absolute truth about everything. Maybe you don’t know how you feel; that is O.K. too. Simply be honest about it. So many in the transgender world get hurt because of dishonesty — remember we are the kings and queens of deception; survival skills we learned to keep anyone from discovering our secret lives. 

We are all human, which means we have needs and are vulnerable to being hurt. God knows we all have scars, so let’s try not to hurt each other. Be honest with yourself before you draw someone into a “loving” relationship; many of us struggle to understand the many conflicting feelings we experience between our male and female personalities.

How many enjoy a relationship or sex with a man, yet while walking down the street are still attracted to women? What does that tell you? It may tell you nothing; yet maybe everything. Relationships require a whole lot of communication, honesty, and energy. They don’t just happen. Sorry, but there’s no such thing as a free lunch, as the old saying goes. You can’t take another person who loves you and use them just to fulfill your fantasy. Traditional relationships fail every day because of a lack of communication. We collectively have a whole set of other ingredients in our broth, but you need the main ingredients to make a good stew. 

What Dating a Crossdresser Really Asks of You

When entering a relationship, we talked about communication. But there are other things that are important as well. Do you have any interests in common: outdoor activities, sports, movies, music, or art?

Are you at least interested? Is the sex good? That seems pretty shallow, but it keeps relationships together. Does he know the “real” you? If you’re a crossdresser, can you take your wig off while having sex? He can prefer you as a woman, but needs to acknowledge and recognize that you were still born a man.

Many straight couples fail because they are not a good match, but they recognize that early because they have a clear sense of self. For those in the transgender space, on the other hand, many never quite discover who they are. This includes transgender girls, and those who seek to date or have sex with them. Thus, what seems like love in a partner is just a need for validation. Can you sort out the difference? More importantly, are you willing to try? 

If you think you are ready to experience romance as a TG, go slow, be honest, and take things as they are — not as you want them to be. Remember that romance is about mind, body, and spirit. It is about who you are as a person more than the clothes you wear. 

As always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.