The Pill

In this personal essay, Brianna Austin recalls a question she read some 20 years earlier: would you take a pill that removed your desire to cross-dress? Prompted by a friend, she explains why she reversed course in 2003 and why she calls life a choice.

The essay was first written in the spring of 2005, as the text notes, and it reflects that moment in her life. For wider background, see our transgender history and education hub.

Given the Opportunity, Would You Take a Pill That Would Remove Your TG Desires?

So there I was, having another Margarita at East of Eighth, when Alicia asked, “So if I go full-time for a while as you did, will I come out the other side no longer wanting to cross-dress?

The question caught me off guard, but my mind immediately recalled a question I read some 20 years earlier. “If you could take a pill that would take away your desire to cross-dress, would you?”

Most of the people I have known through the decades that I have recited that question to almost always – without hesitation – reply, “of course not!” It’s hard to understand why any of us would choose this conflict if we had a choice, but then again, the overwhelming and somewhat compulsive nature of cross-dressing can be quite delicious at times; then again, no one can deny the disruption engaging in it causes. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved living as Brianna, and did so proudly — I was candidly transgender. Labels mattered little to me, despite the many myths and misinformation, so whether I was seen as a trans woman, a man in a dress, or an androgynous creature defying the box people wanted to put me into, it was all good by me. At the same time, there were times I didn’t like living in between: I preferred all in or all out. 

Language has changed a great deal since this was written, and the terms I use here are my own. For current definitions, see our transgender terminology guide, and for related ideas about labels and categories, read my essay Boxes: Defining Transgender People.

What did Alicia hope to find?

She hoped my path might show her where the pill is, or at least a road toward the same destination.

Suddenly, here was a friend who was also asking, “Where is the pill?” and thought perhaps, through my experiences, which led me back to an all-male life, she could find it. Much of my evolution followed the standard storyline. And once I broke down the closet door, nothing was off-limits to me. I challenged the status quo every chance I got and, more often than not, made new friends. I thirsted for understanding and explored the depths of who I was becoming, or maybe who I was. I was truly engaged and enjoying a girl’s life, even if I didn’t have all the body parts to back it up … yet.

Why did Brianna reverse course in 2003?

It was a decisive choice I made after finding answers to lingering questions I carried throughout my life, not an attempt to purge. 

It was spring 2003 when everything changed. I reversed course right as everyone thought I was gearing up to make the big plunge into surgically adjusted womanhood. Quite frankly, I was surprised too. But this wasn’t a purge, a desperate attempt to rid myself of this “thing” I could not explain or control. This was a choice, a calm, decisive choice. After a lifetime of living a girl’s life, first in my mind and in secret, then publicly visible, I was always searching for answers to those four elusive questions:

1. What would it be like to be a girl?
2. Could I become a girl?
3. Would I prefer to be a girl?
4. And should I become a girl?

On no particularly special day, I realized that:

1. Yes, I could live a happy life as a girl, and that,
2. Given the choice, I would prefer it.

Suddenly, the need to act it out no longer existed. So I stopped.

What did life look like afterward?. 

As of this first writing (Spring 2005), I had been living as a full-time male for 15 months—except for the Night Of A Thousand Gowns 2004—where I attended more androgynous-glam than girly. But at that time, it had only been six months. As of today, I still live mostly a guy’s life, but elements of Brianna have filtered through; I maintain a low intake of estrogen, I paint my nails, and cross-dress around the house — more for comfort than compulsion; a skirt or linen tank dress in 90-degree weather is more comfortable than the male options.

Still, Alicia wanted to know whether, by following in my footsteps, there was a path along the road I traveled that would take her to the destination I reached in 2005.

I have often noted that, “Nothing is for certain, and everything is subject to change: this is simply the place I am at this point.” But this new “experiment,” as I call it, has revealed some surprising things about the girl in me, who, as I’ve said before, never left. Of course, what those things are, and what I choose to do about it – if anything – are the topic of a different article altogether.

This account describes my own choices and is not medical advice; decisions about hormones or other care belong with a qualified professional.

What does Brianna tell Alicia about choice?

She tells her that everything in life is a choice, and that the right path usually reveals itself to those who listen.

Everything in life is a choice, your choice. Members of the trans community like to say “I have no choice,” but that’s not really true. For a fuller look at this idea, read my essay The ife You Choose. It can be argued that choosing one way or the other will bring unhappiness, sometimes severe unhappiness; therefore, there is no choice. However, the choice does exist, and no one should feel ashamed of the choices they make. 

Life is a journey with many experiences. Only you can decide what those experiences are. You have to weigh the pros and cons of each option and go from there. Whatever happens to you in your life stems from the choices you make: don’t lay the burden of your life on anyone else. For me, my girl’s life was one of the best choices I ever made; reversing course when I did was the right choice at that moment. And now my hybrid life works for me as well.

So, Alicia, listen to the voice in your head and go with your instinct; trust it, because that inner voice in your soul is seldom wrong; sometimes we just overthink it and let our brains get int he way.

They say that choosing the right path is easy; knowing the right path is hard. But once it reveals itself, you are compelled to do it. Sometimes finding your way isn’t about asking, but listening.

Readers who want to keep exploring can continue with the essays on defining womanhood as it relates to the transgender woman or the gender guide.

Until next time, stay safe, be happy, and always think pretty!

Frequently asked questions

What is the “pill” question in this essay?

It asks: “If you could take a pill that would take away your desire to cross-dress, would you?” Brianna says most people she has asked reply without hesitation, “of course not!”

Who is Alicia, and what did she ask?

Alicia is a friend who asked over margaritas whether, if she went full-time for a while as Brianna had, she would come out the other side no longer wanting to cross-dress.

When did Brianna reverse course?

She writes that in the spring of 2003 she reversed course, which she calls a calm, decisive choice rather than a purge or a desperate attempt to rid herself of something she could not control.

What four questions was Brianna searching to answer?

What would it be like to be a girl, could she become one, would she prefer to be one, and should she become one?

What does Brianna say about choice?

She writes that everything in life is a choice and that no one should feel ashamed of the choices they make, while cautioning readers not to lay the burden of their lives on anyone else.

Is this essay medical advice?

No. It is one person’s account of her experience and the choices she made, not medical or psychological guidance.