Being unchained felt liberating; the air was sweeter, my sensations more vivid. Is this what non-gender-conflicted people feel every day? It was overwhelming, delicious, and I dare say addictive; I was basking in the warm sunshine of life.
In the year after I came out, I set new rules for myself. I was no longer willing to let the words and/or expectations of others define me. And with this decision, my walls came down, my guarded defenses were no longer needed, and I allowed life to flow through me.
I had always been a pretty easy-going person, and got along with most people. But now for the first time, the world was seeing Me — 100% unguarded, instead of only the fragments I had previously made visible.
Like a whirling dervish tasting life unobstructed for the first time, I couldn’t get enough. I fearlessly went out to meet the world — to bars, restaurants, clubs, shows, events in the mainstream, gay and trans-venues alike. And as the New York columnist for GIRL TALK Magazine, the print publication, and a contributor to Ladylike Magazine, Transgender Community News, and others, I went to many events.
I had even become so comfortable in the girl skin that I traveled to Hollywood for a mainstream poetry convention where I was a trans girl amidst 1,500 regular folks!
I had become a free-spirit; spontaneous and light-hearted as the woman I felt myself to be. I said what I felt, and meant what I said. The honesty of it all was intoxicating; I’d spent so many years as a liar and manipulator to protect my dirty little secret. Now it was no longer necessary, and as a result (and for other reasons), I instantly became a better person.
The closet door was open, and my energy was freed up to enjoy people, places, and life. In the early days — like many others that identify as crossdressers –, I found myself frequenting the gay bars. It began as my secret hideout, where I surprisingly made friends — some very close friends — whom I have to this day.
The gay bar was an interesting experience because they had their own sense of humor, style, and, at times, cattiness. They could be loud, proud and obnoxious, or low-key and subtle. In truth, like you and me, they spanned from one side of the spectrum to the other. That time, The Gay Bar Survival Guide was born.
I think most groups are like that, whether political, social, sexual, color, or creed. Every group retains a certain percentage of the good, bad, and ugly.
What was most interesting to me [of my own coming out] was that it didn’t turn out as expected. I came out and dove into my crossdressing life to find the seed of its origin, expunge it, and cure myself of my crossdressing compulsion so that I could go back to life.
Instead, every day I lived as Brianna, I felt myself pulled deeper and deeper. Each day I was compelled to push the girl experience just one step further, until before I knew it I was living a girl’s life, and liking it. I had found myself (or at least contentment in myself) while looking for something else.
How strange life can be, when a self-constructed off-ramp can lead to something unexpected, unplanned, and profoundly rewarding.
Not that I am suggesting that everyone follow the path I did; to the contrary, go slow, investigate yourself and the world around you with an inspector’s eye, and then proceed accordingly. For me, I leaped, headfirst, without a net. I guess middle age can do that, making one more courageous in the face of uncertainty.
Nonetheless, the road has been perhaps the most exhilarating, confused, yet amazing journey I’ve ever experienced. There is something quite moving about meeting someone who, on first glance, is offended by what you are, only to eventually become your friend for who you are.
It rewrites our ideas of expectations. And I suppose that to embrace a journey like mine, I had to rewrite and rethink all that social norms had taught me to believe. I had to dismantle the status quo, find my true center and grow outward from there. Whether you seek a transgender life or not, the method and application can be applied to any life.
For more insights, personal experiences, poetry, fiction, reviews, and interviews that I’ve written, check out my writer’s page on Tglife.com, visit my older website briannaaustin.com, or my blog Candidly Transgender