Becoming A Woman

Do you dream of becoming a woman and living it 24/7?  Is it reality or fantasy that drives you?

Many of us have fantasized about becoming a woman, waking up every day with silky smooth legs & a curvaceous body. Gliding in high heels, wearing makeup, garter belts, and stockings, and blending in. Enjoying our feminine self without any hecklers or unwanted remarks. For some, this is more than fantasy; it is a lifelong objective just within reach.

So many t-sisters are out there searching for happiness, convinced they’ll find it in womanhood. For a very few —some who are truly women trapped in a man’s body—they do find happiness. For too many others, it was but an empty illusion. Cross-dressers often experience such joy in the female role that some seek that joy all the time. But one must recognize the illusion. When one dresses up and steps out in high heels (or stays in), the enjoyment comes from the magic of that moment.  But it is just that – a moment; a fleeting utopian second. Can the experience really be sustained? 

First off, many CDs don’t dress because they’re displaced women in a man’s body.  Dressing provides an escape from something; whether it is an overbearing mother, father, or wife, a release of the pressures of one’s job, an ability to express a part of oneself more comfortably through a female persona, sexual gratification, or any of dozens of other descriptions. What am I saying? I am saying it can be great for a limited time, but doing it every day may not be the dream one imagines. 

When many men dress, they leave the problems of life with their male identity and escape into the wonderful, carefree life of womanhood, and it can be delicious. It’s delicious, however, because they don’t have any of the problems of LIVING as a woman associated with it.  When you seek to be a woman all the time, however, you re-enter the real world. Your previous problems, from which you were trying to escape, are no longer escapable as a full-time woman.

Moreover, the problems are still there, except now you have to deal with them as a woman, which is not easy. I have had so many men say to me, “I am so relaxed as a woman.” Perhaps they are relaxed because they have escaped the day-to-day grind and pressure of life. Many CDs, when they are in their “I have to dress” frame of mind, can’t think of anything else. They will put off important issues until they are done in an hour – a day or a week later, knowing that they will return to the issues at hand when they are fulfilled. Many times they return feeling renewed and refreshed. But if you were living as a woman, you could not put these things off; they would be part of your life and have to be dealt with in a timely.    

Transition means not only living life “as” a woman; it also means experiencing life “not” as a man. Many of the benefits of being a man will disappear, and I assure you there are many benefits in this society to being a man. I am not trying to derail anyone’s desire to pursue their dream of transition or full-time dressing. I’m infusing some hard reality to consider before leaping: make sure you’ve thought it through, weighed the realities against the fantasies, and are driven by the core of who you are and not by the person you like to be, sometimes.  

Moreover, a woman has been practicing her assimilation into society all her life – from childhood through the teenage years right into adulthood. She has been prepared to live in society as a woman, learning about her strengths and weaknesses, the advantages and setbacks. You have not. A man who was used to certain access, attention, and respect may be very frustrated by the new lack of it. Many trans-girls say to me, “I get so much attention as a girl, more than I ever did as a man.” Honey, that is sideshow attention; you are the spectacle, the organ grinder monkey. The monkey gets lots of attention – what does that really mean? Would you get more attention and respect at work, in applying for a loan, making a business deal, or is it only at the tranny bar? Give that some real honest thought.

Choosing to transition is not about convenience either.  Because it may be a hard road doesn’t make it the wrong road.  It’s a decision, though, that requires weighing everything.  

Nolte with Chrysis

In 1985 I had a dear friend known as International Chrysis (see photo left). She was tall, feminine, and beautiful — à la Rita Hayworth. She was a bombshell who was very comfortable in her gay sexual orientation, unlike many cross-dressers who have internal struggles over whether they’re gay, BI, or heterosexual. She had started hormones at the age of 16 and in her 30s — with an hourglass figure and 38-C breasts — at times would question her decision.

I spent many nights with her as she cried, saying, “What have I done? I am a monster.” When I asked what she meant, she said, “I should have just been a gay man.” I was stunned. How could this be? She was beautiful, feminine, and had no question about her sexuality.  She was a natural candidate to be TS, yet still had internal conflicts. 

People assume that everybody fits into a clear mold based on certain factors; I certainly did. Chrysis struggled with life as a woman, spending most of her time androgynous in her hairstyle and clothing. Only during a night out or doing a show did she portray the illusion of a woman, yet always referred to her makeup and wig as drag. “Let me get out of this drag,” she would say at the end of the night.

Only a year or so before her death, she let her hair grow out and began to accept and portray the role of a woman. She even landed a speaking part in the movie Q & A with Nick Nolte shortly before her untimely death, and was the subject of the documentary Split.  (She is greatly missed!)

A current friend is on a fast track to transition; the hormones are flowing, breasts are growing, skin softening, and surgery is being planned. When she is complete – does that make her a woman? She still reacts like a man, has a man’s temperament, thinks like a man, and has a man’s libido. So with the body of a woman, what is she? By contrast, my very dear friend Teryl-Lynn Fox (the former Miss Gay Louisiana and countless other titles) never even dressed up until her late teens, and within a few years started living full-time.  She said it best: “Womanhood is something you have to grow into; it is not something you just become. It is a journey that evolves – changing continually.” 

Many of my other friends struggle to understand. Is my current friend a gay man looking for validation? Does she think that being with a man would be O.K. if she were a woman? Sexuality plays a huge underlying role in the lives of many cross-dressers. Another friend once told me, “I am not gay; I am only with men when I am dressed up.” “Does the dress make a difference?” I asked?  To her, it apparently does. This is not to portray that all cross dressers are confused about their sexual orientation, because there are many that are very comfortable in their heterosexual — or homosexual — orientation. But if they were heterosexual, then that would make them lesbians, wouldn’t it? On second thought,  that is another article altogether. 

“Your body is the taxi that carries YOU around,” I once wrote.  Who you are is what this article is all about: inside you, your heart, your spirit, and your soul. Don’t rush off hoping transition will make your life better; find out who you are first. When you get in touch with that, then, and only then, are you ready to deal with a life-altering decision.  

If you have the spirit of a woman and really want to bring your body in line with “you”, which you believe in your very bones should have been a woman, then transition makes sense, but absolutely anything less is a tempting but empty fantasy.

As always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the difference between the fantasy of becoming a woman and the reality of full transition?

The fantasy often revolves around the aesthetic and emotional escape of feminine presentation, such as wearing makeup and clothing to temporarily relieve life’s pressures. The reality of transition places you back in the real world, where you must handle daily struggles and societal biases full-time as a woman, without a male persona to escape to.

Why do some cross-dressers mistake their desire to dress for a desire to transition?

Dressing up can serve as a temporary, carefree outlet to blow off steam or escape work and relationship stress. Because this temporary role-play brings peace and relaxation, some assume full-time transition will solve their issues. However, once you live as a woman permanently, those original problems return and must be managed without male coping mechanisms.

What societal changes should be considered before gender transition?

Permanent transition means living without the systemic privileges, access, and respect historically granted to men in society. A trans woman must adapt to navigating the world with a new set of setbacks, less systemic authority, and sometimes superficial “sideshow” attention rather than genuine respect.

How can someone determine if gender transition is the right choice?

It requires looking deep into your heart, spirit, and soul rather than looking for an escape from other life problems. If you know in your very bones that your body should align with your female spirit, transition makes sense; anything less is often a tempting but temporary fantasy. Consult a professional, talk it through, give it a test run, and re-evaluate at each step.