Do you dream of life as a woman 24/7? Is it reality or fantasy that drives you?
Many of us have fantasized about becoming a woman; waking everyday with silky smooth legs & curvaceous bodies. Gliding in high heels, wearing makeup, garter-belts, and stockings and blending in. Enjoying our feminine self without any hecklers or unwanted remarks. For some this is more than fantasy, it is a life long objective just within reach.
There are so many t-sisters out there searching for happiness convinced that they would find it in womanhood. For a very few, some who are truly transsexuals – woman trapped in a man’s body -- they do find happiness. For too many others it was but an empty illusion. Cross dressers often experience such joy in the female role that some seek that joy all the time. But one must recognize the illusion they experience. When one dresses up and steps out in our high heels (or stay in), the enjoy is in the magic of that moment. But it is just that – a moment; a fleeting utopian second. Can the experience really be sustained?
First off, many CDs don't dress because they're displaced women in a man’s body. Dressing provides an escape from something; whether it is an over bearing mother, father or wife, a release of the pressures of ones job, an ability to express a part of one’s self more comfortably through a female persona, sexual gratification or any of dozens of other descriptions. What am I saying? I am saying that it is great in a limited space of time, but to do it everyday may not be the dream one imagines.
When many men dress they leave the problems of life with their male identity and escape into the wonderful carefree life of womanhood, and it can be delicious. It's delicious however because they don't have any of the problems of LIVING as a women associated with it. When you seek to be a woman all the time however, you re-enter back into the real world. Your previous problems, from which you were trying to escape, are no longer escapable as a full-time woman.
Moreover, the problems are still there except your have to now deal with them as a woman, which is not an easy task. I have had so many men say to me “I am so relaxed as a woman.” Perhaps they are relaxed because they have escaped the day to day grind and pressure of life. Many CD’s when they are in their “I have to dress” frame of mind, can’t think of anything else. They will put off important issues until they are done in an hour – a day or a week later, knowing that they will return to the issues at hand when they are fulfilled. Many times they return feeling renewed and refreshed. But if you were living as a woman you could not put these things off; they would be part of your life and have to be dealt with timely.
Not only does transition mean dealing with life “as” a woman; it means experiencing life “not” as a man. Many of the benefits of being a man will disappear, and there are many benefits in this society to being a man I assure you. I am not trying to de-rail anyone's desires of pursuing their dream of transition or full time dressing. I'm infusing some hard reality to consider before leaping: make sure you've thought it through, weighed the realities against the fantasies, and are driven by the core of who you are and not by the person you like to be, sometimes.
Moreover, a woman has been practicing her assimilation into society all her life – from childhood through the teenage years right into adulthood. She has been prepared to live in society as a woman, learning about her strengths and weaknesses, the advantages and setbacks. You have not. A man who was used to certain access, attention and respect may be very frustrated by the new lack of it. Many trans-girls say to me “I get so much attention as a girl, more than I ever did as a man.” Honey that is sideshow attention, you are the spectacle, the organ grinder monkey. The monkey gets lots of attention – what does that really mean? Would you get more attention and respect at work, in applying for a loan, making a business deal, or is it only at the tranny bar? Give that some real honest thought.
Choosing to transition is not about convenience either. Because it may be a hard road doesn't make it the wrong road. It's a decision however that does require taking all things into account.
In 1985 I had a dear friend known as International Chrysis (see photo left). She was tall, feminine and beautiful -- ala Rita Hayworth. She was a bombshell who was very comfortable in her gay sexual orientation, unlike many cross dressers who have internal struggles over whether they're gay, BI or heterosexual. She had started hormones at the age of 16 and in her 30s -- with an hourglass figure and 38-C breasts -- at times would question her decision.
I spent many nights with her as she cried saying “what have I done, I am a monster.” When I asked what she meant she said, “I should have just been a gay man.” I was stunned. How could this be? She was beautiful, feminine and had no question about her sexuality. She was a natural candidate to be TS, yet still had internal conflicts.
People assume that everybody fits into a clear mold based on certain factors, I certainly did. Chrysis struggled with life as a woman spending most of her time androgynous in her hairstyle and clothing. Only during a night out, or doing a show did portray the illusion of a woman, yet always referred to her makeup and wig as drag. “Let me get out of this drag” she would say at the end of the night.
It was only a year or so before her death that she let her hair grow and began to accept and portray the role of a woman. She even landed a speaking part in the movie Q & A with Nick Nolte shortly before her untimely death, and was the subject of the documentary Split. (She is greatly missed!)
A current friend is on a fast track to transition; the hormones are flowing, breasts are growing, skin softening and surgery is being planned. When she is complete - does that make her a woman? She still reacts like a man, has the temperament of a man, thinks like a man and has the libido of a man. So with the body of a woman what is she? On the contrary, my very dear friend Teryl-Lynn Fox (the former Miss Gay Louisiana and countless other titles), never even dressed up the first time until she in her late teens, and within a few years started living full-time. She said is best: “Womanhood is something you have to grow into, it is not something you just become. It is a journey that evolves – changing continually.”
Many of my other friends struggle for a sense of understanding. Is my current friend a gay man looking for validation? Does she think in her mind that to be with a man would be O.K. if she were a woman? Sexuality plays a huge underlying role in the lives of many cross dressers. Another friend once told me “I am not gay, I am only with men when I am dressed up.” “Does the dress make a difference” I asked? To her it apparently does. This is not to portray that all cross dressers are confused about their sexual orientation, because there are many that are very comfortable in their heterosexual -- or homosexual -- orientation. But if they were heterosexual then that would make them lesbians wouldn’t it? On second thought, that is another article all together.
“Your body is the taxi that carries YOU around” I once wrote. Who you are is what this article is all about, inside you, your heart, your spirit and your soul. Don’t rush off in hope that transition will make your life better; find out who you are first. When you get in touch with that, then, and only then are you ready to deal with a life-altering decision.
If you have the spirit of a woman and really want to bring your body in line with “you”, which you believe in your very bones should have been a woman, then transition makes sense, but absolutely anything less is a tempting but empty fantasy.
As always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.
2001 - all rights reserved
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